6 Guaranteed, Sure-Fire Ways To Snare Your Own Vampire In Record Time (IQ Not Included)

DraculaA light-hearted look at how to nab your own undead hero.

Roam around the garden at night…

…preferably wearing a floor length white night gown that reveals most of your breasts as it casually slides off your shoulders.  Note:  yes, you should be naked underneath.  Make sure you flash your thighs so he knows that, too.   Tip:  You need to struggle and pretend you’re horrified as he bites your neck and has wild sex with you on a garden bench.  Bonus tip:  Ignore the lightning and thunder.  It won’t rain.

Carry a long, silver-bladed knife …

…and snub everyone you know—except for lesbians and the one vampire in the area that seems to give a damn.  Once he’s out of the picture, you’ll be surrounded by ‘em.  Remember to pine for your love while you play with the others.

Read minds and wear short shorts and a tight tee-shirt.

You’ll end up working in a bar, but you’ll have vampires crawling to taste your blood.  Bonus tip; You must pretend to not want any vampire’s attention, all while you make out like a bunny with your top two choices.  Bonus, bonus tip:  You get a wild card with this one:  You the shifter of your choice to play with while the vampires pout about your denial of their affection.  (But they’ll be back!)

Arrange to smell like baked bread and cinnamon.

Make sure you stand in front of a fan on a humid day.  Fluff you hair a lot and look upset as often as you can manage it.  Make sure you give off passive-aggressive yes/no signals whenever you’re in his company.  You don’t want him to understand the rules….

Lean to raise the dead and throw over all your religious and sexual beliefs.

It helps if you’re a crack shot with a handgun.  Take on multiple lovers…at the same time, if you can manage it.  (Take notes for the rest of us mere mortals!)

Be born to “belong” to a vampire.

This one involves a bit of rebirth, but what the hey, you’ll end up with your own vampire.  It’s worth a bit of sweat.  Remember to act surprised when he announces you’re his.  Indignation would be a nice bonus touch.

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