A light-hearted look at the idyllized aspects of erotic romance.
Caution: frank language ahead!
1. Heroes will always achieve erection
Boners, woodies, purple throbbing shaft of desire…
Call it what you want, it doesn’t matter. Romance heroes are always up for it, rarin’ to go at a nano-second’s notice.
They will never, ever, need a fluff job to complete their scene. (Fluff job = when a porn star needs a blow job to be ready for his big moments.)
2. Heroes and heroines can screw all night and never once stop for a breather
Small things like sleep, food or even water are non essentials in the all night marathon.
Likewise you’ll never catch a hero or heroine getting up to pee, or simply lie for a while and recover their breath.
No, these people are champions! The EverReady Bunny is put to shame in comparison.
3. STDs? What are they?
BV, Chlamydia, Gonorrhea, Herpes, Chancroid, Hepatitis, Molluscum Contagiosum, MPC, HIV/AIDS, HPV, LGV, PID, Crabs, Scabies and the ancient one: Syphilis. They have all been miraculously cured and forgotten within the pages of erotic romances. A hero would never been so crass as to pass on unsolicited cells.
The only time you’ll ever see a pregnancy occur is when it is unexpected and unwanted by at least one of the parties involved.
You don’t get baby romances in the erotic romance genre. As babies, sleep and free time are all mutually exclusive conditions, the chances of new-parent heroes and heroines having hot Bunny sex, all night long, are too close to zero for an erotic romance author to write such a scene without blowing coffee-flavoured laugh bubbles all over her monitor.
4. The hero always has a condom with him. Always.
In real life, most guys have a condom tucked away for an emergency, but you’ll never see an erotic romance hero reach for his wallet to dig out the months-old foil package tucked in the corner, keeping company with lint.
If the rubber rider appears at all (no STDs, remember?) then it will magically appear, and slide on with nary a hitch in the heat of the moment.
Also, you will never, ever see what the hero does with the used condom, afterwards. It just …disappears. Fascinating, as Spock says.
5. The heroine can always climax vaginally.
Never mind that in real life, many women find it impossible to climax without direct clitoral stimulation. The erotic romance heroine is as studly as her counterpart: She can always achieve orgasm just through vaginal sex, and it usually only takes a double handful of thrusts for her to scream her guts out.
Multiple orgasms in one sex session are da rule. She can go from zero to take-me-out-to-the-ball-game in two minutes, tops.
6. Farting, bad breath and body odour are endangered species
No hero would ever consider pulling something as school-boyish as a Dutch Oven. He can’t, because farts don’t exist in Romanceland. If either the heroine or hero suffers from morning breath, the other finds it delightful and sexy. Garlic breath, coffee breath, or just plain bad breath…nope.
Showers, by the way, are only for having sex in. You will never see a hero or heroine take a shower to actually get clean, because body odour is also mysteriously absent in Romanceland.
7. Everyone has perfect balance and coordination
No one will ever trip over their own feet as they’re removing their pants.
Clothes slide off with the elegant ease of silk and considerately disappear, only to appear the next morning…probably washed, folded and pressed, because nary a hero or heroine has wrinkled their nose as they slipped on wrinkled clothes from the day before.
8. No wet spot
The best one for last.
Our perfect erotic romance hero will never, ever force a heroine to endure the discomfort and humiliation of sleeping on the wet spot. Cum stains, like odour and used condoms, don’t exist.
Of course, if real sex was so mythical, we’d all be bored brainless in a year. Human foibles are what make it so much fun.
And for the record, I fully intend to keep writing erotic romances. They’re also fun!